As a group, they’ve been called every imaginable euphemism for "women of loose morals." As a group, they’ve been feared as potential childnappers. As a group, they’ve been hidden behind a system of secrecy. As a group, they’ve been thanked in one breath and condemned in the next for the same act: placing/relinquishing their children for adoption.

As individuals, they’re just like you and me: women who had choices made for them or who chose for themselves; women who have moved on and are living in the aftermath of those choices. Some are strong and secure, some are working on it, and some are trying hard to believe it never happened. Human reactions to human experience.

Now, meet six real women with experiences spanning six decades.

Ann Vicki Evelyn Jean Dani Gina
1947 1966 1975 1981 1992 1996

Ann

Ann met Jack in 1945, in a bar where she worked as a waitress. Jack had just gotten orders for overseas duty and in a flurry of pledges of undying love, they married, consummated the marriage, and Jack shipped out. Nine months later, Ann gave birth to a baby girl. Jack ignored communication, stopped sending support, and Ann went back to work, leaving the baby with family members. In 1947, battling alcoholism and poverty, Ann approached Social Services to make adoption arrangements for her child.

Vicki

At 13, Vicki got pregnant. Her mother tried to force her to have an abortion but Vicki refused, threatening to kill herself. She was sent away to a home for unwed mothers. Her mother told her that if she told anyone of this "sin" and "shame," including the baby’s father, she would no longer be part of her family. In 1966, when she was 14, Vicki gave birth to a baby boy.

Evelyn

High school in the 1970s. Grand passions and sexual experimentation. When Evelyn discovered she was pregnant at 16, she did consider abortion. In her words, "Because so many women had worked so hard to have it legalized, it seemed that all pregnant girls and women were almost obligated to consider it - ’for the movement.’ I never seriously pondered it because I always thought it was a desperate solution for a desperate problem, and while I was not prepared to raise my baby, I was perfectly capable of carrying her to term." In 1975, Evelyn gave birth to a baby girl.

Jean

Jean was 12 years old when she was raped by her brother. Her brother was sent to live with one set of distant relatives, and Jean was sent to another. In 1981, two days before her 13th birthday, Jean gave birth to a baby boy.

Dani

In 1992, Dani found herself in a dangerous situation. Her partner had become increasingly abusive, threatening not only her health and safety, but also that of their two boys. She was not equipped to protect herself or her boys and she turned to Social Services for help. She agreed to place them for adoption. The boys were 3 and 4 years old, and had been affected by the abuse.

Gina

At the age of 20, Gina found herself alone, hiding from an abusive, alcoholic ex-boyfriend, and pregnant. She was deeply in denial about the pregnancy. She couldn’t believe that it happened to her, and by the time she fully accepted it, the time for abortion had passed. She says, "By the time I accepted it, it was a little too late for that option. Otherwise I might well have had one." In 1996, Gina gave birth to a baby girl.

Why Adoption?

Save the child. For Ann, adoption was an act of desperation. She knew she wasn’t able to care for her daughter, saw that arrangements she tried to make were not working out, and as options disappeared, adoption was her best chance to give her child a life she believed she could never offer on her own. She says, "I couldn’t handle it, and I couldn’t let her (daughter) be hurt by my family the way they hurt me." While Ann won’t talk about specifics, her family experiences included incest, beatings, and neglect. Ann’s daughter was placed in a closed adoption.

Lack of support. Vicki wanted desperately to keep her baby. An older sister had agreed to help raise the child until she (Vicki) was older but because she too was a minor, Vicki’s mother had the final say. Vicki was never offered counseling, and never made aware of any social support systems that may have helped her keep the baby or recover from the trauma. Vicki was allowed to hold her son after his birth, and her fingers had to be pried from him, one at a time, when he was taken from her. Her son was placed in a closed adoption.

A better life. Aside from what she calls "the usual financial issues," Evelyn recognized a tradition of emotional and physical abuse that had been passed down through generations of mothers in her family, and she could not contemplate continuing that behavior with her child. There was no question in her mind that she was doing the right thing. The closed adoption was handled by a large agency.

Family pressure. Jean’s family made all the arrangements. Jean was afraid, and certain that the pregnancy had been her fault. She didn’t want to be pregnant, and didn’t want a baby. She describes her pregnancy as "frightening, shameful, spent living in a daze of daydreams and fantasies." Her son was placed in a private closed adoption.

Safety. In Dani’s situation, her overriding concern was the safety and well-being of her boys. Her own experiences in the abusive relationship had left her frightened and facing a court battle which would take its toll on her ability to earn a living, and on her emotional health. Her boys were placed in a closed adoption by her state Social Services adoption unit.

Best for everyone. Gina admits that placing her child for adoption was the hardest thing she’s ever done, but she believes wholeheartedly that it has been the best possible choice. Gina was able to select the adoptive family, and has an on-going relationship with them in an open adoption.

Where Are They Now?

Ann

Ann did not search, but was receptive to contact when she was "found." Ann and her birth daughter met in person after 49 years in 1996. They have an ongoing relationship based, in part, on the genetic connection and, in part, on a growing friendship between two adults with much in common and a lifetime of separate experiences to share. Ann has started to talk more comfortably about her life in the 1940s, about her alcoholism (she’s been dry for over 20 years), her lifestyle, and her choices. She is now involved in helping others search for birth family members.

Vicki

Vicki’s struggles with the trauma of coercion led her to the brink of suicide, and to years of anguish, grief, and guilt. When her birth son reached 18 she started to search, and found him 10 years later. Six years later, they are working on the relationship. She says, "I thought that everything would be fine. But it wasn’t. He was OK with being found and having a relationship with me, but had wounds from the adoption too. He was and is hard to get close to. He can’t express love much, even to his wife and kids." Vicki is an outspoken advocate for birth mothers, and devotes much of her time to educating others about past experiences so that they will not be allowed to happen again. Her motto: "Birth Mothers Never Forget."

Evelyn

Evelyn has always been open about her birthmother status, secure in the decision she made. At a time when search and reunion were almost unheard of, she insisted on placing a letter in the adoption file indicating that she would welcome contact. When her birth daughter’s parents made efforts to open the adoption 16 years later, that information enabled their meeting and an ensuing relationship which, today, includes the entire birth and adoptive families.

Jean

Today, Jean is 30 years old, and her birth son is 18. Jean is adamant about not wanting contact. She says that she would never be able to talk to him about the incest, and she "knows" that he would press her for information about his birthfather. Jean is married and has no plans to have more children. Her husband knows nothing of the adoption.

Dani

Dani is a much stronger and healthier young woman. She has gone back to school and is working with Social Services helping others. Dani and the boys’ adoptive mother, Jane, have opened the adoption and their recent reunion, 7 years later, was an enormous success. Not only have Dani and Jane become close friends, but Dani has been included in the family’s life. The boys are 11 and 12.

Gina

After the adoption, Gina got caught up in a period of unhealthy behavior. When a friend took her to a support group, she regained her balance and found a mission. Today, Gina is an LPN studying for her Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing. She is a member of a group that speaks at high schools and youth group meetings across her state, as part of the YWCA Teen Pregnancy Prevention Program. Gina credits the program with saving her life, showing her that even though she’s not parenting, her destructive behavior was saying all the wrong things about who she is and what she believes.

Talking about open adoption, she says, "I feel very lucky to have such wonderful people raising my daughter. I feel lucky to be able to give my daughter the gift of her history and heritage, and to save her from the heartbreak of searching when she gets older. I don’t have to wonder about how she is doing, what she looks like, or where she is. It has allowed me to move on with my own life, and given me greater insight into what is really important to me, and the kind of parent I want to be in the future."

Birth Mothers

Why Adoption?

Where Are They Now?

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